by Kassandra Lamb
Hubs realized this past Valentine’s Day that it was our 40th one together. We started dating in the fall of 1975. That got me thinking about when and why I fell in love with him, and some of the more important lessons of the last 40 years.
Here are 4 of those lessons learned…
Cover your mate’s back:
Although I’d been growing fonder and fonder of him since we’d started dating, I actually fell in love with my husband on that first Valentine’s Day. He’d planned a special evening, starting with a reservation for dinner at a fancy downtown restaurant, for 8:00.
The restaurant had seriously over-booked. By 9:15, Tom had approached the check-in station several times, only to be told that it would “just be a few more minutes.”
“Do you want to go somewhere else?” he asked. But where could we go for a nice dinner on Valentine’s Day without reservations? McDonald’s?
My knees wobbled and I clung to Tom’s arm as we were finally shown to our table at quarter to ten! I was literally weak with hunger.
Suddenly my easy-going boyfriend turned into the Incredible Hulk. He had words with first the waiter and then the maitre ’d, demanding that we be served food RIGHT NOW.
A tossed salad appeared in front of me, and I fell in love with this man who would stand up for me when I was too weak to stand up for myself.
(BTW, that restaurant went out of business a few months later.)
We’ve had each other’s backs a few other times through the years… whenever one of us had to be in the hospital, for example. We’ve both slept on those horrible foldout chairs and have been awakened every few hours along with our spouse when the nurses or aides came in to take vital signs or give medication. We were there to be the other’s spokesperson and protector when they were too sick or too doped up to think straight. (And a couple of times the presence of a clear-headed defender turned out to be critical.)
It may not sound all that romantic, but hey, if you can’t count on your mate to have your back, who the heck can you count on?
Accept each other as unique human beings:
There’s a myth out there that couples need to share a lot of interests. Not really. A few shared interests are good, so you have something to do together. But it’s okay for each of you to do a bunch of things the other one isn’t into. Tom’s into photography and computers. I’ve got a point-and-shoot camera that no longer focuses properly and a secondhand desktop for which I paid $250.
I love to shop and play cards, and of course, write. He’d rather stick pointed sticks in his eyes than go shopping or play cards. And writing is a necessary chore that is sometimes required in the work that he does.
Instead of resenting the time that the other spends on non-shared interests., honor that those things are important to your mate. I wait patiently when we’re on vacation while he takes a hundred shots of every sight we see (I’m only exaggerating a little). He never says a word about the nights I stay up until 3 a.m. because the muse has struck and I must get those precious words down before they slip away.
And we never try to make the other do what we’re interested in but they’re not. He resists the urge to makes fun of my point-and-shoot camera and I find other people to play cards with.
Time is the most important gift:
Having said all of the above, make sure your interests don’t get in the way of spending time with your spouse. As is so often the case, it’s quality as much as quantity (if not more so) that counts. Dinner is check-in time for us. It may only be twenty minutes to a half hour, but we’re not reading or watching TV or playing with our cell phones. We’re telling each other everything important–and some things that are not all that important but are just interesting–that’s happened to us that day.
And on Fridays, we have date night. We started that when our son was about thirteen. We have a special dinner, just the two of us, share a bottle of wine, and really linger at the table until we’re totally caught up on things. Then we relax and watch videos together for the rest of the evening.
Be proud of each other:
Don’t just say it to each other. Tell others about your spouse’s accomplishments. No, you don’t have to be a bore about it. But let your spouse know you’re proud of them by telling the world.
Tom’s my best salesman. He’s always telling me about some coworker who happened to mention that they like mysteries, or just that they like to read. That’s his opening! He doesn’t have enough coworkers that his efforts will make a major difference in my writing income. But it definitely makes a difference in my confidence level to hear that he’s proud enough to brag about my writing to anyone who will stand still and listen.
How many Valentine’s Days have you had with your honey? And what have the years taught you about living and loving together? And even if you’re not coupled at the moment, what makes you feel especially loved–by friends, lovers and/or family?
Posted by Kassandra Lamb. Kassandra is a retired psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She is the author of the Kate Huntington psychological suspense series, set in her native Maryland, and a new series, the Marcia Banks and Buddy cozy mysteries, set in Central Florida.
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