“Control Yourself!”

by Kassandra Lamb

Note: In light of the events in Paris Friday evening, I considered changing this post, which had already been written and uploaded. But I decided to leave it alone, as the topic is relevant. We are all reeling emotionally a bit right now. I will write a post soon on coping with the reality of terrorism. But for now, here is the original post scheduled for today…

Road rage, mass shootings, domestic violence… Self-control is highly valued in U.S. society, and yet we seem to be more out of control than ever.

Maybe that’s because we’re going about it all wrong.**

Now I’m not saying this is a simple issue–it’s not. A lot of different factors play into the escalating violence, but one of them is how we attempt to control our emotions.

We often try to do this by suppressing them, and this doesn’t work well over the long haul. Those feelings don’t go away; they just go underground.

The word emotion comes from the ancient Roman word, exmovere, which means “energy that moves.” Those Romans were wise beyond their century, because that is exactly what emotions are: energy that has to move. It has to move up and out of your system in order to dissipate. If you try to stuff it down in your subconscious mind, well, “energy that moves” just doesn’t stuff too well.

(by Jens Bludau CC-BY-SA 3.0 Wikimedia Commons)

(by Jens Bludau CC-BY-SA 3.0 Wikimedia Commons)

Suppressed emotions tend to act like volcanic pressure–they build up to a lava-hot temperature and then spew out of every available crevice.

(**Note: this post is the follow-up to my guest post on misconceptions about emotions over at Jami Gold’s blog last week.)


There are three things that have to occur for an emotion to go away:

1. The emotion needs to be acknowledged for what it’s REALLY about. This is tougher than it sounds because sometimes, often even, we don’t know the real reason! The emotion may have been generated by an unconscious reaction to something in the environment that never even registered consciously, such as a subtle edge of derision in someone’s tone of voice. Or the reason may be forgotten because you didn’t act on it at the time.

Remember the adage for couples, to never go to bed angry with each other. This is why. By morning, you may have forgotten why you are angry, but the anger is still in there unresolved. Now it will come out indirectly and most likely in inappropriate ways.

by Nasrulla Adnan (Nattu) from Malé, Maldives CC BY 2.0 Wikimedia Commons

by Nasrulla Adnan (Nattu) from Malé, Maldives CC BY 2.0 Wikimedia Commons

So when you find yourself tempted to stuff a feeling down, stop and ask yourself WHY you are feeling that way. Try to identify WHEN you started feeling that way. See if you can track it back to its source so that you’re aware of its true cause. Then…

2. The situation causing the emotion needs to be resolved. I don’t think most people would even say that this sounds easy. Lots of emotionally-charged situations are complicated and it’s not that simple to just “resolve” them.

But keep in mind that changing the situation or the people who are the source of the emotion is not the only option. Sometimes we can just get away from the situation/person. Or we may be able to shift our attitude toward the problem in a way that makes us feel better about it.

When I changed careers from psychotherapist to college professor, I found myself feeling very anxious for no apparent reason. Sure this was a new challenge, but I had taught the occasional non-credit course before, so why was I on the verge of panic? Then I noticed that I wasn’t all that anxious when going into a classroom to face students. It was mainly nervousness whenever I thought about my department chair.

I figured out that this was mostly because I was no longer self-employed. I had gotten used to being able to do things my own way with no one looking over my shoulder. To make matters worse, I was adjunct faculty, which meant the department chair could just not rehire me for the next semester if he didn’t like me or my teaching style. I no longer felt in charge of my ability to make a living, and that was pretty scary.

That first semester I discovered two things. One, I loved teaching, and two, the anxiety wasn’t dissipating all that much. I didn’t want to quit, so I reframed my attitude. I lived in the Baltimore area at the time and there were about 50 colleges or universities within commuting distance.

I told myself that I was still self-employed, that I was a “contractor” contracting out my services as a teacher to schools (which was technically true). If I didn’t like a particular school or a department chair gave me a hard time, Well, I’d just go elsewhere.

Poof, most of the anxiety evaporated. I now felt in control of my fate again.

3. The emotion needs to be vented in some fashion. Sometimes this occurs as we are resolving the situation (since the cause of the emotions is getting fixed in some way). But sometimes we still need to “let off steam.” This does NOT necessarily mean that we have to vent the emotion AT the person who caused it, however. That isn’t always a great idea. Marriages have ended and jobs have been lost over inappropriate venting.

There are a variety of ways to do indirect venting. You can write a letter to the person, then tear it up, or you can talk it out with a friend who can be trusted to keep your confidences.

Just don't let anyone catch you talking to the man in the empty chair ;) (photo by Fred J, CC-BY-SA 1.0 Wikimedia)

Just don’t let anyone catch you talking to the man in the empty chair 😉 (photo by Fred J, CC-BY-SA 1.0 Wikimedia)

Or you can talk to yourself, pretending that you are confronting that person (either in your head or out loud, as long as there’s no one around to think you are losing it).

I realized that one factor in my angst about teaching was that my department chair had acted kind of strange the day he hired me. And he continued to act that way. My assumption was that he didn’t like me very much.

Finally it dawned on me that he wasn’t real sure how to take me. (I’m a rather intense person.) And that made him tense and awkward around me. When I got it that this was his issue, not mine, I got a little pissed. But I wasn’t about to confront him. He wasn’t mistreating me; he was just a little weird around me. A confrontation would have made it far worse, assuming that he didn’t outright fire me.

So I pretended he was sitting in a chair in my kitchen. (I started this imaginary conversation in his office, but that was too intimidating, so I moved it. Hey, it’s my imaginary conversation!) I told him I was annoyed that he had made me uncomfortable because he was uncomfortable. Of course, people in your imagination always act the way you want them to, so he apologized. (In real life, he would have thought I was nuts.)

The rest of the anxiety dissipated, and the next time I crossed paths with the man, I noticed that I no longer felt uncomfortable around him.

I taught at that school for nine years and loved every minute of it.

There’s no getting away from our emotions, and as already mentioned, stuffing them down doesn’t really work (we just think it does). But those pesky feelings can be fairly manageable if we can remember these three steps: sort it out, resolve it, vent it.

How about you? How good are you at “controlling” your emotions? Or are you just stuffing them?

Posted by Kassandra Lamb. Kassandra is a retired psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She is the author of the Kate Huntington mystery series, set in her native Maryland, and a new series, the Marcia Banks and Buddy mysteries, set in Central Florida.

We blog here at misterio press once (sometimes twice) a week, usually on Tuesdays. Sometimes we talk about serious topics, and sometimes we just have some fun.

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  • Reply
    5 Common Myths about Emotions — Guest: Kassandra Lamb | Jami Gold, Paranormal Author
    November 17, 2015 at 8:32 am

    […] Emotions have an energy about them. They need to be acknowledged and vented in order to dissipate (I’ve talked more about this on my blog). […]

  • Reply
    Jami Gold
    November 17, 2015 at 8:38 am

    Fantastic post! I love the real-world “here’s how it really works” view from the trenches. And your advice, as always, is spot on. 🙂 I’ve updated my post to link directly to this post too.

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 17, 2015 at 11:58 am

      Thanks, Jami. I’m glad you found the post helpful. Wish I could say that I always take my own advice. Mostly I do but I’ve been known to stuff a few feelings myself at times.

      • Reply
        Jami Gold
        November 17, 2015 at 12:49 pm

        LOL! Yep, ditto, Kass. 😉

  • Reply
    shannon esposito
    November 17, 2015 at 10:54 am

    Thanks for the practical advise! I”m definitely a stuffer… mainly because I don’t like confrontation, it makes me physically ill. I’ve had to pay attention to how stress affects me as I heal from nervous system damage and one thing I’ve noticed is my fight or flight system is way over-sensitive, kicking in at any sign of conflict…imagined or otherwise. So, talking out the issue with myself would be a great tool. Besides, I think all writers have that talking to ourselves down pat. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 17, 2015 at 12:01 pm

      LOL Glad I could give you some good questions to ask during those talks with yourself, Shannon. 😉

      Seriously, I hope this is helpful because bottling up emotions definitely adds to our stress levels. Thanks for bringing that up. Praying that you continue to heal and that your nervous system settles down. {{Hugs}}

  • Reply
    Vinnie Hansen
    November 17, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    A very relevant post, Kass. The events of the world sometimes overwhelm me, and make me feel depressed. Of the techniques you mentioned, the one that works best for me is re-focusing. A lot of horrible things exist, but . . . . Then I count my blessings.

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 17, 2015 at 1:44 pm

      Glad you liked it, Vinnie. Re-focusing is definitely a good way to digest feelings slowly when they become overwhelming. I have to be careful, though, that I come back around to them later or they go underground and fester. Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture (like counting one’s blessings to offset the feelings of despair) is another of my favorite ways of putting things in perspective. These all fall under the sorting it out and the resolving it steps.

  • Reply
    Pirkko Rytkonen
    November 17, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks Kassandra for the super helpful tips. I tend to be ‘nice’ and keep stuffing my emotions, especially when I step into the caretaking mode during a crisis. Then when it’s over, I don’t think about the emotions that just got stuffed. I had to be strong for everyone else. I know eventually I will suffer emotionally and even physically. I noticed this just recently when my mom passed away….as the first born I directed everything for us seven siblings. My own grief?

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 17, 2015 at 7:57 pm

      You’re welcome, Pirkko. I know what you mean about that “stepping into the caretaker” role. I tend to do that too when there’s a family crisis. I become the “strong” one because I know how to emotionally detach (leftover skill from being a counselor). But then I have to be careful to go back and deal with my own feelings. And it’s oh so easy to not go there, and just let the feelings stay stuffed down.

      And my condolences on the loss of your mother. So sad.

  • Reply
    Marcy Kennedy
    November 17, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    This is an excellent post. I’m a stuffer, and I’m still learning how to positively deal with my feelings. I’ve never been comfortable with my emotions due to my personality and situations in my childhood, and there have been a lot of extended times in my life even as an adult where I’ve felt like I couldn’t safely express my emotions (and didn’t think about counseling as a means of having a safe space at the time). So I’ll stuff until my physical health starts to break down as a consequence. It’s something I’m aware of and working on, but developing good habits is definitely an ongoing process 🙂

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 17, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      “…developing good habits is definitely an ongoing process.” Ain’t that the truth, Marcy! I’m still working on that myself. I think it’s a lifelong process, because breaking those old habits is so hard. And dealing with the so-called “negative” emotions just isn’t fun so we tend to avoid doing it.

      I’m glad you’re aware of the “stuffing it” patterns and are working to do things differently, especially since it affects your health.

  • Reply
    Karen McFarland
    November 18, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Excellent, as always Kassandra! But then again, you’re a teacher and have had years of experience helping others overcome difficult personal circumstances. I am one not to stuff my feelings. I try to be diplomatic, but not always is that the case. No, can’t call me passive-aggressive, that’s for sure. lol. Interesting, my mom jokes about talking to yourself, just don’t answer back. Then you have a problem. lol. In all seriousness, I can see that exercise would help someone to work through their feelings/emotions. It’s like reading in an undertone or aloud. You are able to sound down your thoughts. Instill them into your brain/memory. Understand the information better. So talking to oneself would do the same thing. Yet, first you have to be willing to deal with those emotions or recognize they’re there. Or you won’t get anywhere. 🙂

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 19, 2015 at 11:59 am

      Your mother was right. You’re fine as long as you know the voices are your own and don’t think it’s someone else talking to you inside your head. 😉 Good point about talking out loud in general. It does seem to clarify things better. Thanks so much for stopping by, Karen!

  • Reply
    K.B. Owen
    November 18, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    Terrific post, Kass! Intellectual and practical at the same time.

    I’m fairly expressive of my emotions with trusted people, but my biggest difficulty can be figuring out why I feel the way I do. As you say, when the source of the feeling can be identified, it can be resolved. But there are other times when it seems as if Anxiety and Depression live rent-free inside my head. Once in a while they invite Guilt over for a glass of chardonnay and make a real party out of it.

    But that’s another post…. *wink*

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      November 19, 2015 at 12:04 pm

      LOL Love your sense of humor, Kathy! Anxiety and depression can also be biologically caused, which gets really confusing because you keep trying to figure out why you feel that way. When there is no psychological reason. 😛

      Swipe the wine bottle when they’re not looking and then evict them if you can!

      • Reply
        K.B. Owen
        November 19, 2015 at 12:12 pm

        Yep, sorry to say there is some of that at work as well. Feelings can lie like a rug. I do my best to push on when that happens. 😉

        • Reply
          Kassandra Lamb
          November 19, 2015 at 8:41 pm

          Yes, they can lie. Especially when biology is playing a role. I used to say to my clients with biologically based depression: “Feelings are not facts.” I wanted them to realize that not all feelings are based in reality. That much more to sort out, eh? Pain in the you-know-what. There are meds that can help, although they’re not always a miracle cure.

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