Are You a Compliment Deflector? (encore)

by Kassandra Lamb

(Note: this was originally posted in Spring, 2014 and was very well-received; I’m re-posting while I’m on vacation. The encore posts of the next two weeks are also related to this topic.)

When someone gives you a compliment, do you immediately feel like you should say something self-deprecating? Or at least shuffle your feet and say, “Aw, shucks. It was nothing.”

shuffing feet in sand

Some of you may be wondering what I’m talking about. But those of us raised before 1980 (and maybe some after that period) were taught to deflect compliments. This was taught more by example than by blatant words. The message we absorbed was that if you didn’t respond with something self-deprecating, then you were arrogant.

Now there’s nothing wrong with being humble. Nobody likes a truly arrogant person. As my mother used to say, “We all put our pants on one leg at a time.”

The dictionary defines the word humility as “a modest opinion of one’s importance, rank, etc.” Hmm. So I looked up modest – “having or showing a moderate or humble estimate of one’s merits, importance, etc.; free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, or great pretensions.”

Okay, I’ll buy the last part. But is it necessary to only have a “moderate estimate of one’s merits” in order to be humble? How about “an honest estimate of one’s merits?”

I like the definition given by John Bradshaw, a speaker at a workshop I attended many years ago. The workshop was about toxic shame (or UNhealthy humility). Bradshaw defined healthy humility as “being aware that you are an imperfect human being, just like everybody else.” He went on to tell this story:

I was presenting one time to an auditorium of over a thousand people. The workshop was going very well, and I was feeling quite full of myself as I left the stage for the mid-morning coffee break. Then I looked down, and realized I’d been prancing around that stage for the last two hours, in front of all those people, with my fly open! Talk about a healthy reminder of my imperfections.

Getting back to the subject of compliments, being humble in a healthy way does not mean that we can’t acknowledge what we are good at. We all have strengths and weaknesses. If we are able to feel good about our strengths, then we will be able to acknowledge our short-comings more readily.

So by all means, be humble in a healthy way, but don’t deflect compliments. Doing so does harm in two ways:

#1: It’s insulting to the person giving you the compliment. S/he just told you how good you look and now you’re saying that’s not true because you’ve gained some weight recently or your dress is an old one or your hair just wouldn’t behave this morning.

You’re essentially saying that they are either lying or they’re an idiot for not realizing that you don’t really deserve that compliment.

WWI soldier talking to two women

That’s a lovely frock, ma’am.”
“Oh, you are just too kind, sir. This old thing is so last season’s style.”

#2: You are not letting the compliment sink in so that it can feed your self-esteem. Good self-esteem is essential to leading a happy life! (See next week’s post for more on this.) And even those of us with a good foundation of self-esteem need validation now and again that we really are okay, and that we do certain things well.

Good self-esteem also gives us the nerve to venture into new territory, to try new things. At those times, we especially need others’ heart-felt compliments to sink in, so we know that our efforts are working, that we are making progress and learning that new skill.

I know this all too well as someone who ventured into the world of writing fiction in my later years. The compliments of those who read my first book were what kept me going. All of them said it was good, but what convinced me the most that I should keep on writing was the note of pleasant surprise in many of their voices. They hadn’t expected it to be good, but it really was. That’s how I knew the compliments were sincere. 🙂

One other thing about accepting compliments. It’s hard to do at first. You will get a weird feeling inside when you just say “thank you” and nothing more. There may even be an awkward pause in the conversation, as the other person waits for the usual deflection.

Here’s something I figured out when I was trying to break myself of the compliment-deflection habit. Go ahead and say something else – something that agrees with them without sounding arrogant. This fills that awkward space inside of you, and in the conversation.

Here are a couple examples:

Complimenter: “Hey, I really like your outfit.”

Complimentee: “Oh thank you. It’s one of my favorites.”

Or “Thank you. I get a lot of compliments on it.”

You will probably catch yourself slipping back into the self-deprecation at times. I certainly did, and still do occasionally. But keep practicing. Responding this way to compliments will make both you and the complimenter feel a lot better!

I’ll be delving more into self-esteem (and how you can improve yours) over the next two weeks’ posts, so stay tuned!

How about you? Did you learn to be a compliment deflector as a kid? (Note: because I’m traveling, I won’t be online every day, so it may be a day or so before I reply to your comments.)

I have a new book available for preorder. All compliments regarding the cover should be directed at Melinda VanLone of Book Cover Corner. I personally think she did an awesome job on this one!

Two quick clicks below, and it will pop up on your ereader when it’s released on October 27th.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s on sale for a reduced price during the preorder period. Just $1.99 (goes up to $3.99 after the release).

SuicidalSuspicions FINALSUICIDAL SUSPICIONS, A Kate Huntington Mystery, Book 8

Psychotherapist Kate Huntington is rocked to the core when one of her favorite clients commits suicide. How can this be? The woman, who suffered from bipolar disorder, had been swinging toward a manic state. The client’s family blames Kate and they’re threatening to sue for malpractice. She can’t fault them since she blames herself. How could she have missed the signs?

Searching for answers for herself and the grieving parents, Kate discovers some details that don’t quite fit. Is it possible the client didn’t take her own life, or is that just wishful thinking? Questioning her professional judgement, and at times her own sanity, she feels compelled to investigate. What she finds stirs up her decades-old ambivalence about the Catholic Church. Is her client’s death somehow related to her childhood parish?

When she senses that someone is following her, she wonders if she is truly losing it. Or is she getting dangerously close to someone’s secrets?

PREORDER NOW on  Amazon US   Amazon UK   Amazon Canada   Amazon Australia   NOOK   KOBO   APPLE

Posted by Kassandra Lamb. Kassandra is a retired psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She writes the Kate Huntington mystery series.

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  • Reply
    Vinnie Hansen
    September 22, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Definitely a recovering compliment-deflector. My husband pointed out the habit and the same reasons you did for how/why it’s harmful. (He’s had more therapy than I have.) 🙂

    • Reply
      Kassandra Lamb
      September 22, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      Kudos to your husband, Vinnie. A therapist was the one who pointed it out to me; and I should have known better since I pointed it out to clients. It can be such a habit we don’t know we’re doing it, but still it is harmful.

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