This is the last installment of my Tour of Fives, celebrating the release of the 5th book in my mystery series. I felt I should bring things back home with my Five Top Tips for Maintaining Mental Health. (This is a revised version of a post I wrote as a guest of Ginger Calem last year.)
When I was a psychotherapist, I realized that doing my job well meant that I worked myself out of a job. Eventually my clients didn’t need me anymore to boost their self-esteem and figure out how to stay on track mental-health-wise in their lives. A few would pop back now and then, when they needed a sounding board for some major life decision. But for the most part, I never heard from them again after they graduated from therapy.
One of my clients, however, had a different take on this. She came in about once a year or so for what she dubbed her “check up from the neck up.” Sometimes she had specific things to discuss but sometimes she just wanted to catch me up on her life and get my feedback.
I realized this was a very healthy thing she was doing–checking things out with a professional before they became a big deal.
I can’t help but wonder why we don’t have mental health check-ups, like we do for our physical health. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we nipped our psychological problems in the bud, instead of waiting until they fester and make us miserable?
And more emphasis on preventive mental health practices would be an excellent idea as well. So here are:
My Five Top Tips for Maintaining Mental Health.
#1: Check in with yourself several times a day and notice how you’re feeling. Make it a habit that you link to something else in your routine, like mealtimes or driving to and from work. Just stop and take a few seconds to assess where you are emotionally.
I do this when I’m in the car by myself. Then if I realize I’m not completely content, I have some alone time to explore why not, and what I want to do about it.
There are three basic things we can do about something we don’t like. We can (1) change it; (2) get away from it; or (3) change our attitude toward it. This list may sound a bit oversimplified, but it gives us a good place to start to make proactive decisions about a situation that is keeping us from feeling content with our lives.
This ties in with…
#2: Avoid doing things you don’t like to do. Now I’m not advocating being irresponsible (nor procrastination, which tends to just spread out the stress). But when we don’t like something, instead of just forcing ourselves to do it, we can look for ways to make it more palatable.
I don’t like to exercise, but I know it’s a necessary evil. So I looked long and hard for a way to exercise that I didn’t mind, and I found it.
I love Zumba dancing! Now I’m not saying I jump up with joy when it’s time for Zumba class. I still face some inertia, but that’s a lot better than dread and loathing.
I dislike cleaning even more than exercise, but I discovered that if I do one or two chores every day or so–clean a toilet here, dust a room there–I always have a relatively clean house without spending a huge chunk of time on it.
Delegating or trading off tasks with others is another option. When my husband and I were dating, we would often end up at K-Mart during the course of the evening, so he could buy yet another package of underwear and put off doing laundry a bit longer.
Now you might be wondering why I kept dating this guy. Actually I am too because it sounds kind of creepy in the retelling, but we’ve been married almost 37 years, and that’s the weirdest thing he’s ever done. He just really, really disliked doing laundry. But he likes to cook, which I’m not fond of. So he took over the kitchen and I rule in the laundry room and we’re both a lot happier.
If you truly hate something, you definitely should not force yourself to do it. If you do, it will make you mentally and emotionally sick. Kinda like forcing yourself to eat spoiled food. Ick!
Instead, try to figure out why that situation is pushing your psychological buttons. Once you know this, you may be able to pull the wires loose from it. But even if you can’t disconnect the button, at least you will know why you need to avoid that thing that you really hate. You’ll go from feeling a little crazy to knowing you are taking good care of your mental health.
Now let me make an important distinction here, between the things you hate and the things you fear.
#3: Face the things you fear IF they are obstacles to getting where you want to be. If you’re afraid of snakes and you live in the city and never go hiking, don’t worry about it. We do not have to face every one of our fears. Only the ones that are stopping us from achieving our goals. But facing your fear doesn’t mean you just forge ahead, making yourself do something. That may make matters worse.
Again, identifying the psychological button may help you disconnect it, or at least work around it. But sometimes we are just afraid of the unknown or the unfamiliar.
I was that way regarding promoting my books. I had no idea what I was doing. I’m not very techno-savvy and I knew I’d have to learn about Twitter and Facebook and blogging, and… and… *grabbing my paper bag* So I reminded myself of my own advice to clients.
When we’re feeling overwhelmed it can really help to “chunk it down.” I gave myself permission to take it slow, to just learn one thing at a time until I was comfortable with it. So I got on Twitter. A month or so later, I was tweeting away with ease; then I tackled Facebook. Now I’m feeling comfortable with both and I’m contemplating whether I should try Pinterest or Google+ next (it’s more a matter of available time now).
Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help! We Americans come from independent stock. We feel we should do things for ourselves. That’s great, but there’s no shame is asking for help. Don´t you feel good when you know you´ve helped a friend? Give others the opportunity to experience that good feeling.
Knowing I had my friend, Shannon, to coach me made it a lot easier to tackle my fear of social media. Friends can reassure, offer suggestions, or just hold your hand.
But ultimately you also have to…
#4: Trust your gut!
If you’ve got a gut feeling about something, know that there is a reason for that feeling. What we call our gut instinct is really some part of our brain, that we are not currently in direct communication with, that has noticed something is off, or has made some connection between two or more pieces of information that puts a different spin on something.
Your gut instincts are never wrong! Let me repeat, your gut is never wrong. It has picked up on something relevant! The problem is that we get these instinctive hits as vague feelings, not in words. So we have to figure out what our gut is trying to tell us. And sometimes we misinterpret the message.
One of the tricky things here is trying to tease apart what are true gut feelings and what are irrational fears, either of the unknown or residuals from past experiences. Here’s where friends (or a therapist) can again come in handy. Running the whole situation past someone whose judgement you trust–and whom you know will not be judgmental of you!–can help you put it in perspective.
But while you’re trying to sort it out, you need to continue to respect that gut feeling. (I’m thinking I need to do an entire post on this soon.)
And last but never least…
#5: Relax at least three times a day. This is basic stress management. And no whining that you’re too busy and can’t do this. I’m talking about a 5 to 10-minute break (although 15 to 20 minutes is better). I have talked about this at length before. If you take the time to relax and lower your stress level for a few minutes, you will be more focused and more productive when you go back to what needs to get done.
And you are much more likely to be happier and healthier at the end of the day!
Reading is one of my favorite ways to relax. And our own Kirsten Weiss is one of my favorite authors. She has a new teaser video out to get us psyched up about her next book (her Book #5!)
And she has Book 4, The Infernal Detective, FREE on Amazon this Thursday and Friday, July 4th and 5th!
Make a note on your calendar to snag yourself a copy for some great summer reading! Then talk to me in the comments.
What helps you relax and/or keeps you on the right track mental-health-wise? Have these tips helped you rethink how you approach certain things?
Posted by Kassandra Lamb. Kassandra is a retired psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She writes the Kate Huntington mystery series.
We blog here at misterio press once or twice a week, sometimes about serious topics, and sometimes just for fun.
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K.B. OwenJuly 2, 2013 at 7:48 am
Great post, Kass! I love these tips, and they make a lot of sense. And the free book giveaway is exciting! I’ve had the pleasure of reading Kirsten’s book…everyone, grab it while it’s free, it’s a fab read!
Kassandra LambJuly 2, 2013 at 11:43 am
Thanks, Kathy. Glad you found this helpful. And Kirsten’s books just keep getting better and better.
shannon espositoJuly 2, 2013 at 3:42 pm
Great advice, as always. And, thanks for the mention. I actually don’t know what you were afraid of as far as social media… you took to it quickly and became savvy in no time. I guess sometimes it’s more the fear of the unknown than fear of the actual activity.
And yes, grab Kirsten’s book you guys! It’s a fantastic read.
Kassandra LambJuly 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm
It was most definitely fear of the unknown, and you are right, Shannon. Often the actual activity isn’t nearly as scary as we think it’s going to be.
Nancy LevineJuly 2, 2013 at 3:55 pm
What a great post–it really helped me focus in on things. And I agree–I absolutely hate to clean. I have to clean in a little while because my friend is bringing back my TV that he’s been working on. Then I might finally have TV again! (it’s been awhile–not since he’s been working on it but since I’ve had TV–cable is wayyyyy too expensive and I’m on a tight budget). When my husband was ailve and before he got sick, we divided up the cleaning chores. He didn’t like cleaning the bathroom, and I didn’t mind cooking, but I hated cleaning the kitchen. I also hated taking out the trash, so he did that. After he passed away, my dad helped with that but now that he and my mom had to move into a nursing home, it’s all on my shoulders. (sigh)
Kassandra LambJuly 2, 2013 at 4:15 pm
I’m so glad you found the post helpful, Nancy! It is tougher to avoid the things we truly hate when we don’t have anyone we can dump, uh, I mean, share them with. 🙁
More and more I hear about couples divvying chores up based on who likes or dislikes what, instead of based on gender roles. That is so refreshing! And healthier for the individuals and the relationship. Lots less resentment.
And I know what you mean about having to clean when someone is coming over. That was so drummed into me too. I joke with my friends that I invite them over sometimes so that I’m motivated to clean my house.
Nancy LevineJuly 2, 2013 at 4:39 pm
That was one of my biggest reasons for having parties–I could get my house clean. This cat I have now is a sweetie, but he makes things harder for me by being an interior decorator (moving my pictures so they’re lopsided–LOL), and having fun with litter (although he does know how to use the toilet–where he learned that from, I have no idea–will have to ask his foster mom). But he likes having the litter box, too. And, of course, he doesn’t do chores.
Kassandra LambJuly 2, 2013 at 8:49 pm
LOL I had a cat like that once. He thought the litter box was his personal fun-time sandbox rather than his toilet. Litter crunching underfoot all the time!
If you could figure out how to teach a cat to do chores, the book about that process would definitely sell big time, wouldn’t it? 😀
Nancy LevineJuly 2, 2013 at 8:55 pm
It definitely would-lol!
Susan JaymesJuly 2, 2013 at 8:27 pm
You have great advice here. I will try and take it to heart in my days ahead. I especially like the checking in with how we are feeling through out the day. I get so caught up in the stress of the day, I don’t often do that. I will have to try harder.
Kassandra LambJuly 2, 2013 at 8:47 pm
Hi, Susan. I’m delighted that you find the advice useful. Being aware of how we’re doing throughout the day is so important, but it is definitely easy to forget to check in with ourselves.
Thanks for stopping by!
Lynette M. BurrowsJuly 2, 2013 at 10:51 pm
Great post, Kass. Useful tips all. I’ve heard of and used four of these, but had not heard the “relax 3 times a day.” That is a really good idea.
Kassandra LambJuly 3, 2013 at 12:36 am
Wow! If you’re doing the first four, that’s impressive, Lynette!
Lynette M BurrowsJuly 4, 2013 at 11:03 am
Well, I don’t necessarily practice each one every time I should. 🙂 But I have had a lot of information about this type of thing being a nurse and having to learn how to deal with various illnesses and their affects on my patients and their families, and I have spent more than a few years in therapy. Eventually, some of it sinks in. LOL.
Kassandra LambJuly 4, 2013 at 12:39 pm
To be honest, I don’t always practice what I preach either, Lynette. (Shhh, don’t tell anybody 🙂 ) It’s hard to remember these things when we get caught up in daily life.
Hope you have a good 4th!
Beverly DiehlJuly 4, 2013 at 3:49 pm
These are all EXCELLENT points (and I’ve shared on Google+, so you don’t have to, lol).
I wrote an article for our Local RWA chapter newsletter especially on #2 when it comes to money/taxes. If you hate something, you dread doing it, and you can, PAY somebody to do it for you. Doing it yourself will simply make you feel stressed, and you will take longer to do a crappy job – all of which takes away from your writing. (My day job in an accounting office partly includes taking the books our clients are keeping for themselves and doing cleanup on them so the CPA’s can do the tax returns. Often it costs them more for us to clean up their books than it would if they just let us do them year-round.)
Love the idea of check-up from the neckup. We ALL should do that (suddenly feeling guilty).
Kassandra LambJuly 5, 2013 at 11:58 am
Aw, thanks, Beverly, and thanks for sharing it on Google+!
Funny you should mention accountants. Finding a good one is on my to-do list because my bookkeeping is getting messier by the day. I use the term ‘bookkeeping’ loosely here, since I really just throw receipts in a pile and tell myself I’ll record them later. Unfortunately ‘later’ never seems to come. 🙂
Belle ViergeJuly 10, 2013 at 11:13 pm
This is great advice! In a way, this is something my boyfriend and I are slowly doing. We’ve been making an effort to have intentional talks about our relationship, things we do well, things we can improve on, where we see the relationship going, etc. I think it’s very easy to just let little problems build up until they’re big problems (like chores… one of my procrastinations!).
Kassandra LambJuly 10, 2013 at 11:39 pm
Hmm, these ideas were more about maintaining individual mental health, but I can see how most of them could be applied to relationships as well. Sounds like you two are on the right track!!
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