In my ongoing endeavor to make you all crazy with envy, I am announcing that not only is my Christmas shopping done, but this weekend I start wrapping those carefully selected gifts.
Actually I have a good excuse for wrapping so far in advance. We have a summer cottage in Maryland, which we also use over the holidays as a home base while visiting folks up north. Now before you add “What? She’s got a Second Home” to your list of why you hate me, let me point out that not all second homes are created equal. Here’s our “cottage.”
It’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but at least it’s a roof over our heads (although that roof has a tendency to leak). But back to my
excuse reason for wrapping packages now instead of later. You see, we leave for Maryland around mid-December, so a good chunk of the month is taken up with closing up our Florida house, packing suitcases, jamming our van full of packages and said suitcases, and then driving for two to three days, followed by opening the house up there and cleaning all the creepy little spiders out of the corners. Sometimes there are other little inconveniences we need to address before we can relax and enjoy the holidays. Last year we arrived to discover that an earthquake had busted our water pipes. Yes, you heard me right; they had an earthquake in Maryland last fall!
So I’ve learned the hard way to get most of the presents wrapped early.
This year, I decided I should get more creative so I went looking for new ideas on the internet. Google pointed me first toward Martha Stewart’s site, where I was told I could make my own gorgeous wrapping paper. Nah, too much work!
So then I clicked on the link to go to Squidoo’s site. And I stumbled on Amazon’s naughty little secret. *teehee*
They sell gag Christmas paper that ranges from irreverent to downright raunchy. If you want to the see the latter, you’ll have to go to the Squidoo site. This is a G-rated blog. (Note: You’ve got to keep scrolling way down, well past the bacon wrapping paper–yeah, they’ve got bacon wrapping paper–to get to the really good stuff.)
Hmm, maybe I’ll temporarily change our rating to PG-13, so I can show you my favorites. This first one is from Big Mouth Toys sold by Stay At Home Dads, We Know Games!!! thru Amazon. Seriously, I did not make that up. That’s the seller’s name.
I may just get some HOHOHO paper to wrap my son’s presents in.
Wait, don’t freak out! He’s 32 years old, and he loves a good pun.
Here’s a suggestion for those folks on your list who tend to over imbibe during the holidays (from Big Mouth Toys, sold by Think Fast Toys thru Amazon’s Add-On Program).
And for those who are athletically-challenged (from Big Mouth Toys, sold by BIGFLYSPORTS *snort* thru Amazon’s Add-On Program).
At this point, you may have come to the same conclusion that I have. Maybe I’m not as motivated to start wrapping presents as I thought I was, since I’ve just wasted the last two hours looking for goofy wrapping ideas to put in this post.
But wait, I also stumbled on some other interesting ways to have one’s gifts delivered. Most of us wait for the chubby fellow to stuff himself down our chimneys. But in Switzerland, he may show up in your backyard on skis.
Or if you’re one of our brave men and women serving in the armed forces, you may have this elf throw your gifts at you.
I’m not real sure exactly what culture has a Santa sheep but I couldn’t resist this picture.
And if you’re spending Christmas in a Space Station, Santa may arrive in an astronaut’s suit. And you may have to nail the tree to the table and tie the presents down.
How about you? When, where and how do you prefer to wrap your Christmas goodies? And how is Santa likely to deliver them this year?
(Posted by Kassandra Lamb. Kassandra is a retired psychotherapist turned mystery writer. She writes the Kate Huntington mystery series.)
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